How is it that other people manage to be right on target with current trends, always know what to say, what to tweet, what to comment? How do they always know what’s going on and what to say about it? How is it that I never got to be other people?
All my life I’ve felt slightly behind on everything – any brilliant comment in any conversation is only thought of hours later. I thought this was something you grew out of, like teenage trauma. Obviously not. It makes for feelings of great uncoolness. Any comment I might make in any conversation is never as sharp as I’d like which means I’m left with feelings of dimness: one light bulb short of true wit. Essentially, I just feel stupid. The number of times I’ve wanted to rush back to old conversations with my clever response to prove that I am clever, really, just it comes on a bit slow, is quite pathetic.
A really cool person wouldn’t care that they hadn’t said anything clever. Cool people know they don’t have to prove anything. How do I get to be really cool?
By being ten steps ahead in my writing.
I’ve always believed that my inability to express myself with sparkling wit in any passing conversation doesn’t matter because I express my true self in my writing. My writing, however, doesn’t contain any sparkling wit or even cleverness or deliberate cool – it’s just incomprehensible. Since I don’t always, at once, “get” what people are talking about (well, I do, but my responses are poor), it seems I compensate by ensuring that no one is going to “get” what I write about. This is quite a realisation on the Great Therapy Couch of Life.
I’ve recently published a second short story in the Exodus Sequence, called REFLECTED, and I have no idea what people will make of it. The heroine knows absolutely nothing and nothing is ever explained. The lack of understanding it could generate makes me feel quite gleeful.
It makes up for a lifetime of always being one step behind.
This is probably not a good thing.