Riding the Rollercoaster

“I’m someone else, I’m someone new…”  (MM)

There is a drug some of my characters in Transference are forced to ingest which causes the usual mood swings you’d expect from a banned narcotic:  reading Transference seems to have the same effect.  All I’m doing is – literally – reading it (on-screen) and making a note of a chapter number when done.  I correct the occasional  typo but resist any rewriting, editing, improving etc etc – this is MUCH harder than you’d think!

The terrible despair I felt over the weekend, the disappointment at the quality of the work, my status as a writer plummeting from more-than-adequate to complete and utter crap – all this was whipped away on Monday by several brilliant chapters.  I’ve zoomed to the top of the rollercoaster…and live in trepidation of the inevitable plunge.  I’m not sure whether this indicates that the novel is just patchy, with extremely bad bits and extremely good bits.  Or whether it’s the actual mood of the novel.  Most of the characters are pretty repressed, with gargantuan secrets, but none more mysterious than the main character.  He’s so restrained and so cold and so (frankly) creepy that he’s hard to like until virtually half way through, when he hits a phenomenal high – just like my rollercoaster.

This left me feeling high as well but is it HIS high?  Is it a high in the novel?  Was the writing just better at that point?  It’s hard to know if the emotional response you have to your own work is the right response;  I’m not even sure what I’m responding to!

But hope has returned.  It’s not going to be a waste of time to resurrect this novel.

This makes me feel, partially at least, resurrected as a writer.


About susannahjbell

I am a writer of science fiction and other strange and surreal works. I mostly write novels and the occasional novelette. My published works include A Doorway into Ultra, the Fleet Quintet and the Exodus Sequence. I live in London in an attic flat but really want to live in a tree. I wanted to be an astrophysicist but would settle for an alien abduction. I write because I don’t know what to read.
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3 Responses to Riding the Rollercoaster

  1. Brave of you to blog about these feelings. Heaven knows I think we’ve all been there. I find they never really chance, even if your betas agree or your agent likes it (if you have one) or if you self-publish and get good feedback from strangers. I think of it as being simultaneously my own worst critic and my own biggest fan. A bizarre dichotomy, but one I guess we all learn to live with.

  2. Susannah Raulino says:

    So glad that in the end, the novel lives.

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